“Raising Ryland”

This feels like a good place to start.

There I am, sliding into one of the last open seats in the back of the library with just a minute to spare. Trying to settle in without being too conspicuous, I half-tune-in to the preamble of what is being presented today and place my bags softly by my side. Okay, another district initiative. We are being trained on something, and it’s going to be a long process over several months. Feeling like enough time has passed, I glance around to see who else is sitting in the barely-made-it-to-work-on-time section. I have some pretty good company, so I can relax. The lights are dimmed and the projector turns on. The screen comes alive, and there he is.

Ryland. This beautiful child with blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile that will make you melt. He’s 5 years old with cochlear implants, and that is all that stands out. They show the boy’s mom talking to him about the art he drew in school. Then they cut to the mom being interviewed – she gets choked up as she says, “I wouldn’t do anything different. All I want is to be a good mom.”

Now they have my attention. They show the ultrasound. They show the birth. They show some videos of the child growing up. And she’s a girl. She’s wearing pink. Her hair is in ponytails. She’s wearing the same Target outfits I dress my 5 and 7-year-old girls in. Then there’s a video of her as a 3-year-old and my heart catches in my throat. Now I get it. Ryland is transgender. We are learning about transgender children.

I can feel my face flush and my heart rate quicken as the video continues. The parents talk about the signs they missed and how awful it makes them feel thinking back on what they made Ryland do. “It was painful for him to be seen as a girl,” the mom says. “He hated it, but he wanted to make us happy, so he just did it.” I can feel the hot tears well in my eyes as I see pictures and videos of Ryland with hair in ponytails while wearing a button-up shirt and tie.

It’s Allie. This kid is a dead-ringer for my Allie. Same age, same hair, same eyes, same gentle heart. All of it. And I can’t breathe.

The tears start escaping one at a time and I focus on holding in any crying sounds. I start looking around to see if I can make an escape without being noticed. But no. The principal is 10-feet tall and is still standing up, stoically gazing at the video and scanning the faculty before him. I’ll be spotted immediately and I can’t think of an explanation for why I need to leave. No choice but to wait it out. After thirteen minutes and thirty seconds, the video ends and the meeting is dismissed. It’s 8:30am, and the school day has just begun.

Before the lights come back on, I grab my bags and make a beeline for the teacher’s restroom. Shakily, I lock the door and take out my phone. Mom picks up on the second ring and is concerned – she hasn’t had her coffee yet, so it must be important. “Mom, we just watched this video. Allie… I think Allie is transgender.” My voice catches in my throat and I look at myself in the mirror. I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I try to close my eyes to recenter myself and all I see is Ryland. Ryland’s journey. Ryland’s transformation. Ryland, the transgender 5-year-old boy with cochlear implants. The beautiful child with parents who are scared to death and determined to keep him safe.

And in that moment, I know. I know that mom is going to be me, their story is going to be our story, and life will look very different from now on. 

If this video tugs on your heartstrings as much as it did mine, visit the Raising Ryland website for more information and resources.