The Haircut

Now I know too much to keep my head buried in the sand.

I know that it’s time to start having some difficult conversations with Allie, and I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m scared of what she will say, or if I’m scared of how I will react to what she says. It’s probably a combination of the two, but it doesn’t really matter. Despite the fear, it’s time.

Allie is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fanatic. She requested a TMNT themed party for her last birthday, so I made the cake and she got to run around with a cape on with her friends at Chuck E. Cheese. I like to look back on pictures from that day for a lot of reasons, but mainly because of how happy Allie was to get to have the party of her choice.

Like I said, she’s a TMNT super fan. She’s got the clothes, the room decor, the pajamas, and a series of books. There is one book in particular that she really enjoys, and it has been the book we have read together every night for the past two weeks. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Green vs. Mean. It’s a Little Golden Book that has been read so many times that the cardboard cover is warped and peeling. When it’s time for bed, she grabs the book and hops into her bottom bunk, smiling at me expectantly to take my place beside her.

“Green vs. Mean,” we both say in unison as we look at the front cover of the book. Since we are on our 10th (at least) night of reading this book, Allie knows the story by heart. As we read, we review the words that Allie doesn’t know: prank, lair, foe, dimension, and mutate. Then, we come across the part of the story that explains how Splinter mutated and became the the Turtles’ teacher.

“Splinter mutated, and mutated means changing!” Allie proclaims and points to the illustration of Splinter.

“Well done! You’re right, when you mutate you change into something else.” Allie beams and we continue on. We finish the book and do another read-through for good measure.

“Goodnight, Allie-cat,” I whisper in her ear as I tuck her in and give her a kiss. She smiles and grabs her favorite stuffed animal to cuddle as she drifts off to sleep.

Starting the Conversation

I have a bunch of errands to run after school one day and Allie decides to come with me. Maddie isn’t interested and decides to stay home with Jim. It’s not often that Allie and I are alone in the car, so I decide this may be a good time to start the conversation.

“Your birthday is coming up next month. Do you know what you want to do for your birthday? Last year we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Remember?”

“I think I just want to have cake at Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop’s house in Cape May with everyone.”

“Well that sounds nice! We can celebrate your birthday down the shore. We can go to breakfast and we can go for a bike ride, and we can definitely have cake.”

“Okay, that sounds good!”

“Allie, it’s time for you to get a haircut. Your bangs are getting into your eyes.”

“Okay.”

“I want to ask you, do you want to keep the hair cut that you have now? Or do you want a different hair cut?”

Silence fills the car. I peek in the rearview mirror and see Allie looking out the window.

“Allie, did you hear me? Do you want to keep your hair the way it is or do you want a different hair cut?”

“I want a different hair cut.”

I take a deep breath.

“Do you want to have a short hair cut?”

Silence again. Allie is staring hard out the window at the houses passing by.

“Allie, I want you to get whatever kind of hair cut you want. You won’t upset me, so don’t worry about what I think or what I want. Do you want a short hair cut?”

“Yes,” she says, barely audible.

“Okay, how about we look at some pictures of short haircuts when we get home and we will find one that will look good. How does that sound?”

“That sounds good,” Allie says firmly, cautiously.

I change the subject and successfully keep the emotion out of my voice. Here we go. Changing.

Decision Made

As soon as we get home, Allie wants to look at pictures on my phone of haircuts. I type “blonde boy haircuts” into the search engine and let Allie scroll through to see what she likes. She finds something almost immediately.

“I want this.”

“Are you sure? You want a faux-hawk? You will have to style it if you want to get it.”

“I’m sure! That’s what I want.”

I smile and say okay. My stomach is churning as I head to the kitchen to start working on dinner. Jim comes in to help and he can see my eyes brimming with tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“Allie wants a boy haircut. She wants to get a faux-hawk. I told her she can do it. I just don’t think I can handle taking her to do it.”

“I’ll take her. Just tell me when and where.”

I nod gratefully but can’t get any words out. The tears are flowing now. I wipe them away with my forearm and try to steady my breathing.

“There’s that hair place in Ardmore, can you take her there now? I’ll tell her that I have to finish making dinner first and then I’ll meet you.”

Jim gives me a hug and calls up to Allie and Maddie to get in the car. It’s time for haircuts. Before Allie runs out the back door, I take a picture of her. I know this will be the last time I see her with long hair.

“Jim is going to take you to get your haircut and I will meet you there. He has the picture of what you want and he will show the hairdresser. Sound good?”

“YES!!!”

With that, Allie takes off running to the car with Maddie close on her heels.

I check the time. It’s 4:30. I decide to give them a 30-minute head start.

The Haircut

I drive past the haircut place a couple times before finally pulling into the lot. By now, it should be almost over. I take a few deep breaths, check my face in the mirror to make sure I don’t look like I’ve been crying, and climb out of the car.

When I open the door, I see that I was wrong. It’s not almost over. It is just about to begin.

Allie is sitting in the chair with a young woman standing behind her. The young hairdresser is touching Allie’s hair and asking her some questions. Allie nods and smiles. The hairdresser grabs a chunk of her hair and cuts it off. Stunned, I watch as the long strands fall to the floor.

I look over at the waiting area and see Jim. He looks at me and seems concerned. I grab a seat next to him and reach for his hand.

“I have terrible timing. I didn’t want to see it happening.”

“Too late now. It’s going to be okay.”

We watch the rest of the haircut from across the room. Maddie stands near Allie and is asking the hairdresser a million questions. It’s not surprising that she wants to be up close for this transformation. It’s not long before the hairdresser takes off the cape, helps Allie hop down from the chair, and hands her a lollipop. Jim meets the hairdresser at the counter to pay and I smile at Allie as she bounds over to me.

I search her face for any signs of regret, but all I see is joy. She’s beaming and asks for me to take her picture. She wants me to send it to the family so they can see her new look. I take the picture and give her a high-five, telling her how awesome she looks. We look back at the hairdresser and thank her before we walk out to the car.

I’m keenly aware that this is different than wearing boy clothes. This is a big deal, and I can’t wrap my head around what it is going to mean moving forward. For now, I’m staying in the moment and absorbing Allie’s excitement.

She’s happy, and that’s what is important.